Rock Bottom arrived in the cover of darkness and made a nest at the foot of my bed as I slept. As my alarm went off for church I immediately knew something was different. I had no energy, there was a very heavy atmosphere in the room and I just did not feel good. And so came the excuse of “I had a bad night.”
Rock Bottom sat on my chest until I had no option but to give in and sleep again. However it was in no way a restful sleep. It was a sleep of necessity because being awake was too painful.
3.15pm rolls round and more excuses are made to friends asking why I’d not been at church this morning. My body reminds me – even though my brain may have temporarily forgotten – that I am actually alive and need to eat something. Rock Bottom is sat on my shoulder whispering into my ear that I’m worthless and that I shouldn’t eat because I’m such a waste of space that I might as well just never eat again.
5.00pm arrives and Rock Bottom presents me with another gift. This one is of intense paranoia. “They haven’t texted you back, they hate you.” “That indirect facebook status from someone you barely know is definitely about you.” “Haha, you were going to text a ‘friend’ to try and talk this out? Who cares about you?” And so I do nothing but watch mind numbing TV shows in bed because there’s really not much point in doing anything.
7.00pm shows up and Rock Bottom presents me with his favourite gift, unexplained, uncontrollable crying. Crying that leaves your body physically sore because it takes so much effort.
Rock Bottom’s pièce de résistance however shows up at 7.30pm in the form of self-inflicted injuries. They are ugly and they are painful. And they are entirely my fault. Rock Bottom sits on my shoulder and this time whispers into my ear “They are a representation of how you come across to the entire world and everyone in it. Ugly and a pain.”
However, this time something changed. Rock Bottom has only visited a couple of times, and trust me, he’s still here. Only this time I figured out what was happening because I noticed the signs. I possibly noticed them a little too late, but I did notice them. Rock Bottom is still on my back. He is still making me feel all these intense, ugly, awful feelings. But this time it’s different.
He came uninvited in under the cover of night. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t know that this time I’m prepared to fight.