It Came In The Night…

Rock Bottom arrived in the cover of darkness and made a nest at the foot of my bed as I slept. As my alarm went off for church I immediately knew something was different. I had no energy, there was a very heavy atmosphere in the room and I just did not feel good. And so came the excuse of “I had a bad night.”

Rock Bottom sat on my chest until I had no option but to give in and sleep again. However it was in no way a restful sleep. It was a sleep of necessity because being awake was too painful.

3.15pm rolls round and more excuses are made to friends asking why I’d not been at church this morning. My body reminds me – even though my brain may have temporarily forgotten – that I am actually alive and need to eat something. Rock Bottom is sat on my shoulder whispering into my ear that I’m worthless and that I shouldn’t eat because I’m such a waste of space that I might as well just never eat again.

5.00pm arrives and Rock Bottom presents me with another gift. This one is of intense paranoia. “They haven’t texted you back, they hate you.” “That indirect facebook status from someone you barely know is definitely about you.” “Haha, you were going to text a ‘friend’ to try and talk this out? Who cares about you?” And so I do nothing but watch mind numbing TV shows in bed because there’s really not much point in doing anything.

7.00pm shows up and Rock Bottom presents me with his favourite gift, unexplained, uncontrollable crying. Crying that leaves your body physically sore because it takes so much effort.

Rock Bottom’s pièce de résistance however shows up at 7.30pm in the form of self-inflicted injuries. They are ugly and they are painful. And they are entirely my fault. Rock Bottom sits on my shoulder and this time whispers into my ear “They are a representation of how you come across to the entire world and everyone in it. Ugly and a pain.”

However, this time something changed. Rock Bottom has only visited a couple of times, and trust me, he’s still here. Only this time I figured out what was happening because I noticed the signs. I possibly noticed them a little too late, but I did notice them. Rock Bottom is still on my back. He is still making me feel all these intense, ugly, awful feelings. But this time it’s different.

He came uninvited in under the cover of night. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t know that this time I’m prepared to fight.

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6 thoughts on “It Came In The Night…

  1. Becca,

    My heart aches for you. I have been where you are. I have had that Rock Bottom slime bag, gripping me and holding me down. Rock Bottom isn’t limited to night time; he can show up anytime, anywhere, for any reason. But it is possible to defeat him, I have not learned to conquer him yet. Sometimes, he visits me, checking on me and trying to bring me back down. He has different methods now, but they can still be effective.

    I used to have the same exact feelings that you shared today. You are not alone, you are not different and you are not powerless. I thank you for expressing your thoughts on your blog. That gives you power, helps you maintain your control and ultimately gives you strength. When you say the words out loud, it helps to comprehend and once you know your enemy. You can better fight the enemy.

    Make no mistake, EVERYONE has doubts, EVERYONE! I am 43 years old, I have been married for 11 years, I have two kids 8/5, I have a Master Degree, I am a pilot for a major airline, I was in the military for 13 years, I fought in both Afghanistan and Iraq, I have finished writing a 150,000 word novel, I live in a wonderful house, I have a great job and make lots of money. I still have doubts, daily. I wonder if people really like me, I wonder if I am really funny, I wonder if I am a good husband and father, I wonder if I am a good pilot, I wonder if I am a good writer, I wonder if I am smart, I wonder if I can support myself if I lost my job.

    I wonder because I have never been convinced if I am good enough. I try to project confidence, but deep down I don’t know. I really don’t know. The first time I went into combat, I couldn’t sleep not because I was afraid that I would die. I honestly wasn’t. I was terrified that my best would not be good enough. I did not want to let my crew down and even more important, I did not want them to get hurt because I wasn’t good enough. In March it will have been ten years since that first combat flight. In retrospect, I don’t think I was good enough. I think I was just plain lucky and I think that God was looking out for me. I will tell you the story of how I should have dies and killed my crew and 60 Army guys in the future.

    I say all this so that you know that you are not alone. I am a vampire, I don’t sleep well. I know what you’re feeling. I have a phone that doesn’t ring, because no one calls. I have a phone that doesn’t receive texts, because no one texts, and I spend a lot of time in a room with all my friends…alone. I know what you’re feeling. What helped me is realizing that my friends really do care, but they also have a life and it isn’t their responsibility to drop everything and help me. I needed to help myself. I don’t like meeting new people because I am intensely shy. But I had to force myself to get out and be social. Sometimes that was through Church and sometimes it was through meeting people through groups or taking a class in college. I hate to be the new guy, but it was better than being a social reject (that was my term for myself when I was in my moods).

    I never cut myself, but I engaged in equally horrible, self-destructive behavior. I tried drinking but didn’t like being hung over the next day. Fortunately I never did drugs. Somehow, I knew that because of my addictive personality I would never have the self-control to quit. I was a sexual deviant and I was addicted to gambling. Please get yourself right before you let the Rock Bottom trick you into something that can damage your life beyond what you can fix. It is your life, your choices. I hope and pray that you find a way to beat this thing.

    I don’t know where you live, but if I can ever help you. I am ready and willing. I know people, who know people, who know what you’re going through. I would be glad to introduce you if you would like. I live in Hurricane, West Virginia.

    robakers19@gmail.com

    • Hey. Thank you so much for your comment. You seem like an absolutely incredible man. It’s amazing to me that there are people like yourself in this world that can care about me and take the time to comment something like this.

      I’m well aware of the self-destructive behaviours that can come with this, as unfortunately I’ve done some of them myself. My old counselor once said that I’ve lived more in a couple of decades than some people will their entire life. I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing, but it does mean I’ve got the experiences and know what to look out for should any of the red flags appear again.

      I’m shocked with how much I can identify with what you’re saying. It’s the first time I’ve had someone say “I know what you’re feeling” and actually believe that they do know exactly what this feels like.

      I blog about it because I feel like writing about it makes it less scary. I think there’s a Harry Potter quote that is “fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself”. So if I blog about my depression, and use the word ‘depression’ instead of ‘I’m feeling kind of low today’ it’s a lot easier to face. Does that make sense?

      I live in Scotland, in the UK. But thank you for your kind offer. 🙂

  2. Becca,

    I thank you for your kind words. I am not incredible or anything else. I am just a guy who got some help along my journey and it is my turn to return that help to some incredible people like you. What amazes me is that the Good Lord can love people like me. I am not worthy of his blessings and yet he still blesses me. Just like he still blesses you and all who call upon him.

    In the States we say that knowledge is power. I believe that when you identify the source of what vexes you, you have power over it. You are doing the exact right thing by calling depression by its true name. I applaud you and your courage. It takes courage to write the things you write. It takes integrity to own up to your weakness and by facing that which is so dangerous, you have power over it.

    I think you are an amazing, brave, intelligent lady who deserves much more than the world has given you so far. With your permission, I would like to try to find a couple of friends for you. Some young ladies who deal with what you deal with. Maybe some older ladies who fight the same fight as you. Of course, I will limit who I speak with and will protect your privacy.

    I believe that there is power in having friends. Even if those friends are halfway around the world. It is up to you and I totally understand if you don’t want me to say anything. All you really need is Jesus, and he is already on your side.

    Keep smiling and keep believing. You are beautiful, intelligent, creative, brave, and powerful. You are exactly the way that God created you. Keep believing it.

  3. Becca,

    I am planning on doing a top 25 Metallica song post next Friday and wonder if you want to do a joint list. My favorite songs in order from 1-25 with another ten honorable mention. I do mine, you do yours and we link to eachother. I am going to invite at least one other person to join the list as well. Let me know, and if you have other friends who would like to join in, that would be great.

    e-mail me at: robakers19@gmail.com

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