I’m not about to divulge any secrets as to who I may or may not have a crush on in this post. So, I’m sorry. The first issue I have is that I hate the word ‘crush’. If someone has a better word for it, please let me know so I can stop feeling like a kid in high school. All you need know is he is a guy, he’s between the ages of 18 and 30 and he is a Christian. He’s also highly unobtainable. And that’s as specific as I’m getting.
Anyhow. Back to the main point of this post, which is the issue I have with crushes, or at least the issue I have when I have a crush. The first thing is how drilled into us that men need to make the first move and how I’m completely unable to put myself out of my comfort zone and be like “Hey, I kinda like you. If you don’t feel the same that’s cool. We can forget this whole awkward conversation.” Maybe one day.
Second thing – and bear in mind this is entirely personal, better adjusted people may not have these issues at all – is that being unable to tell a person that I like them, I write them off. Unintentionally ‘friend-zoning’ myself as was once said to me. It might actually have been him that said that to me, but it’s a good description so I’ll use it anyway. And in friend-zoning myself, I start to develop ‘spaghetti head’ as my friend Ruth once told me. That’s another description I absolutely love.
If Ruth’s reading this, I’ll expect a text relatively soon asking if this is still an issue. Because, yes, it is. It’s at the stage where I’ve been praying for it to go away for 2 months now. I’m nothing if not persistent. God has a brilliant sense of humour though as the more I pray for it to go, the more said person shows up in my facebook newsfeed, or comments on something, or texts me, or is mentioned in conversation.
I’m getting more personal than I intended to, but I’m going to continue on this vein for a short while longer. The select few people that know all tell me very different things and getting my head to think straight is really difficult, especially when I’m going through a depression dip. This depression dip is also why I’ve been praying for God to take this ‘crush’ away from me because it’s a contributing factor. Feeling like you’re 15 when you’re soon to turn 20 isn’t my favourite feeling in the world.
ANYHOW, moving on. The third issue I have is the way I start to second guess myself. Even after I’ve convinced myself I couldn’t possibly bring myself to tell him, after I’ve friendzoned myself, after I’ve decided that I’m just not going to like him anymore I’ll find myself checking the mirror more frequently. Changing my outfit 2 or 3 times if there’s a slight chance I’ll see him. I think I must find ways to bring him into conversation constantly (sorry ladies).
I’m hoping in blogging this, and getting all my thoughts coherently down that it’ll start to not be an issue anymore. Spaghetti head is not so bad when you make yourself think things through. When it comes to this kind of thing, I’m not worried. I’m young, I’ve got a lot to do before I could think about ‘settling down’, there’s a plan out there for me. It’s all fine. This is in no way a “Woe is me for a guy does not return my affection” post. It’s a “Let’s spill my thoughts to strangers on the internet” type post. Though I’m not sure that’s much better.