The Process

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So, it’s a pretty obvious thing, right? People do not enter this world as a fully formed, fully functional actual human being.

You enter this world as a squidgy thing that knows only that it was comfy for 9 months with no bright lights and nobody wanting to hold it into a scary new world. We have no personality, no funny traits, nothing. We’re a little boring, if I’m honest.

But from that point, a process happens.

We learn how to walk and talk. We learn not to touch the stove because it’s “burny-hot”. We learn that Dads can fix anything as long as they have some electrical tape and that Mums can fix anything that Dad messed up the first time. In some cases, we also learn to call Mum and not Dad when there’s a spider.

In primary school we learn how to read and how to write. We also learn the life cycle of a frog for some unknown reason. In high school, we learn some more useless stuff that’s supposed to help us for the rest of the life. (It’s been 3 years and I’m still at a loss as to where standard deviation comes in handy.) We also learn how to have “relationships” because when you’re 14 all you pretty much think about is that. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

Then you leave school and you do whatever you do and that becomes part of your process of becoming “you”.

However, all the experiences we have shape us into the human beings we are right now. Not just the stuff we’re taught on purpose like in school.

We have negative experiences like abuse (don’t worry, this isn’t another blog on that), or bullying or something of a similar nature.

We have brilliant experiences that also help shape us into the people we are.

It’s all part of the process.

Part of my process of course is my abuse, but ultimately that’s a very small part. But part of my process is also the amazing people I know, the church I have, the relationships I’ve had that have failed, the one that is current (and will remain current for a while I hope), the friendships I’ve made and the friendships I’ve lost. The people that have passed that I’ve had the privilege of knowing.

I’ve had very dark periods of depression.

I’ve been witness to horrific betrayals of trust and of character. I’ve known since the age of 10 how to spot alcohol poisoning in it’s early stages. I’ve worried about where my Dad is because he’s so dedicated to what he does that he can occasionally act first and think of consequences later.

My point is this: Don’t assume you really know someone because you’re their friend or related to them in some way. Because you could know extremely little of the process they have gone through to become the person they are just now. Sometimes it’s best to keep your opinions on how YOU think someone should act in a certain situation to yourself because your process will be an entirely different one to the one they’ve undergone and are still undergoing.

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“Remember me? I’m everything you can’t control.”

So guys, it’s been a weird week. 

It’s been a week that has made me think of my friend Shan, a lot. One of the main things that Shan has taught me in the years we’ve been friends is that it doesn’t matter what someone thinks of you, and that someone else’s opinion of you at the end of the day is almost completely irrelevant. 

Story time. 

When I was about 14 the main social network that everyone was on was Bebo. My friend, Meg, was over at my house and we were just trawling through everything on bebo, as you do, and Meg commented on Kim’s photo. I don’t remember what the comment was, but it was not received well. Shan defended Kim, and I defended Meg. And really, Kim and Meg seemed to forget about this argument. Shan and myself, however, did not. And we spend the next 2 years not hating each other, but not talking either. And then, another mutual ‘friend’ of ours started going on about how I was saying x, y and z about Shan, but telling me that Shan was saying the same about me. Typical teenage girl ‘drama’. Then, one day when I was 17, when msn was still a thing I got an add from this email address I didn’t recognise. So, I accepted and it was Shan. Neither of us said anything to each other for about a half hour, but then I started talking and was like “Hey.. so about that fight we had like 3 years ago? I’m really sorry.” and she said “I was just about to say the same thing to you.” And we got talking and realised that there’d been no bad blood between us it’d just been rumours and such and then we slowly started to become friends.

Why am I telling you this? Because she’s one of my closest friends. And I love her to death. But, would we have been friends had we accepted other people’s opinions of each other? That’s a different question entirely. Like I said, she taught me (maybe without even realising it) that if someone doesn’t like you for who you are, then they’re not important. And they don’t deserve to be in your life. If you’re reading this, Shan, I love you. And you’ll be glad to know I’m stopping talking about you now. 

In the past week, here are just a handful of the things I have been called

  • pathetic
  • childish
  • selfish
  • stupid
  • fat
  • ugly
  • ‘psycho’
  • a f*cking troll

And, to rub lemon juice in the papercut, a couple of those comments came from a family member. 

Originally, when it happened I felt so low, there aren’t even words to describe it. But, I started to come to my senses. In the grand scheme of things, what impact does the fact that a relation of mine thinks I’m selfish have on my life? None. None, at all. Do I care that some girl decide to throw a bit of a wobbly at me because I called her out on something? No. 

That’s why the Evanescence lyric as the title is so important to this post in my opinion. Only you have control over how you act, and what you do, and how you feel. Don’t let someone else’s opinion of you cloud YOUR opinion of you. 

“Remember who you really are.”