As most of you know I struggle with depression and anxiety. And I’ve only just recently realised how limiting my anxiety has been throughout my life and it’s made me quite sad.
I sit here has a 21 year old girl who probably has 3 friends and the rest of my friends are more like friendly acquaintances. And for the most part that is entirely my fault. I have let my anxiety limit me.
When I moved school to Helensburgh I used to hang out by myself before school started then at break and lunch until one of the girls in my class came looking for me and asked what I was doing and why wasn’t I sitting with them. My reasoning being that they’d all made their friend groups and I felt like I’d be intruding and that made me anxious so I decided not to do it. After school I fell out of touch with a lot of people because seeing them would involve actually having to go outside or travel and that gave me anxiety so I kept making excuses until I was no longer invited places.
I did it again when we moved church only this time I was nearly 19, not 14. When my family started I didn’t go with them because I was so depressed that I didn’t leave my bed for nearly a month and by that point the damage was probably already done in regards to my confidence in meeting new people. It really didn’t help that my depression was messing around with my short term memory and attempting to remember people’s names was an almost impossibility. I still struggle even now. Once again I sat by myself and didn’t attempt to speak to anyone because everyone already knew each other and I felt like I would be intruding if I did. I didn’t go to things I was invited to and used the distance as an excuse and turned down lifts when they were offered to me because I didn’t want to put people out.
And as I sit here debating on whether or not I post this because it’s giving me anxiety imagining that anyone thinks this is a dig at them – which it most definitely is not – I realise just how much I don’t understand my anxiety disorder let alone how difficult it must be to understand for someone that doesn’t get anxious. I have walls up constantly but at the same time am very upfront and direct. It makes no sense to me.
The things exam stress brings to the forefront of your mind, eh? This definitely isn’t helping me memorise the diagrammatic way to represent the stratigraphy of an archaeological site now is it.