Sometimes I just get in that way where I need to write. I’m in the middle of an archaeology assignment and I’ve not been able to focus. Hopefully once I’ve got this out of my system I’ll be able to focus again.
Last night I had a dream. Whether you believe that dreams can be signs or if they’re just a weird phenomenon that occurs doesn’t really matter. My most lucid dreams where I remember them for a very long time are ones that usually, when I dissect them, are my brain trying to tell me something. I think that’s what’s going on here.
In February of 2012 a news story broke about a family friend. I am not going to link it because I can’t quite frankly bring myself to and that’s not what this post is about. The basics were that he was found with a significant number of pornographic images and goodness knows what else of children on his computer. The trust that I’d spend so long building after my own sexual abuse was ruined in one sentence and I became bitter. This man went to jail for 10 months and we’ve not heard from him. Nor did he or his family let us know what was going on in the first place.
That’s all I’m going to say on that subject because it’s something I’m still wrestling with. But lately I’ve been having dreams about him turning up or seeing him and dealing with all these feelings of bitterness and betrayal and everything negative that comes up when I think about this topic. Last night was a bit of a turning point for me on this topic though. Throughout this dream where I felt myself becoming bitter and twisted and in some cases cruel and uncaring to human suffering – all things I hope I’m not actually like in real life – I was suddenly transported to a room where there was music playing. I wish the song in my dream was a real song but as far as I know it’s not. But it was the idea that I am in control of how I live my life and I can choose to let things go and in the letting go, the healing can start.
Now why am I posting this? I honestly don’t know but I can’t tell you the pressure that has been lifted from my shoulders. It seems like a very basic thing, you choosing to be the person you want to be. That’s not to say that every day I’m going to wake up and go “I choose to not have depression today” or “I choose to not let my past affect me today” because that’s not how life works. But it does mean that I can start every day and say “I choose to work towards who I want to be today and if I have a set back, that’s okay too.” Today, and from each and every day forward I choose to let myself acknowledge that it’s okay to just let things go. I choose to be okay with not focussing on every minute detail of my past and I choose to work on removing the guilt I carry that wasn’t mine to have in the first place.